The Tale of an Archer

Okay, here is my long awaited review. I had wondered for a while what i would write my review on, finding that i dont really tend to analyse more modern media (like any shows or anime i watch), only going so far as delving into the complexities of the characters. But then one god awful movie comes to mind, and that is.... Troy (2004). There are many things wrong with this movie, despite what many 'oh how cool greek soldiers battling heh' males try to say online. Foremost, a question: why depict it as a translation of the poem if youre not gonna follow it? Okay, criticism time. First of all just the fact that Brad Pitt stars as Achilles. Yes he may have the look down, but oh my god that man could not act. Achilles is not your aura farming, nonchalant tuff guy- THAT MAN LIT CRIED TO HIS MUMMY BECAUSE HE DIDN'T GET HIS WAY. Hes immature and then suffers those consequences greatly. So why tf is Pitt smoldering every two seconds. When he's mourning over his close cousins death (more about that later) he literally barely moves a muscle in his face, looking more constipated than anything. Greeks mourning was known to be dramatic- in Homer he tears his hair and begrimes his face with soot. Secondly, the oriental desert music in the background (i know its a product of its time but still)... Thirdly, no mention of the gods apart from some statues which Achilles wants to deny- BRO THE GODS ARE THE MAIN PART. They started this war, some actually physically fight alongside the heroes. Oh yeah, they also condensed the whole 10 year war and ending into the span of like 3 days. No bro, you did not declare war, fight with numerous losses and construct a massive horse to invade the trojans (which doesnt even happen in the Iliad) in 3 fucking days. Also, why are characters dying when its not cannon? why does Menelaus die when hes literally mentioned in the Odyssey (the sequel if you will)??? Right- the cousin thing. Achilles and Patroclus are arguably one of the most iconic queer lovers from the ancient Greek period- hell, even Alexander the Great was their biggest shipper, but no, they had to make them COUSINS because homophobic ahh. Speaking of romance, why did they try to make a love story between Achilles and a woman he captures as a PRIZE OF WAR! bro??? Other dumb things also include skipping over massive plot points so they can finish the whole war (when the iliad doesnt even show the end of the war). For example, theres a whole chapter in the iliad lit called 'The struggle over patroclus' meaning his deceased body, detailing an intense fight between the greeks who want to return the body to Achilles and the Trojans who want to ransom it. So tell me why in this mf movie, everyone- yes, even the enemy trojans, stare at his body and then just all walk away in a uniform line?!!? Another one of my favourites is patroclus' actual death. He takes Achilles' armour, who's sitting out of the fight, to go and help his comrades and his death is pretty dramatic. In the movie, brother... i couldnt even point out Patroclus- I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS ON THE SCREEN EVEN WHEN HE DIED. what kind of anticlimatic bs is that? Anyways i have plenty more to say but i would be here all day if i continued.

Stay loyal to guarding the Pynx, my fellow archers. Scythian Archer out.